I want to be a role model to the youts!

... but its hard to be a role model at 290 lbs.

I just finished watching last week's Biggest Loser when the final four run the marathon and that episode always gets me. I can hardly believe that just a few short months before, they were morbidly obese and really really sick. And here they are looking great and actually running 26.2 miles. Everytime I see that I feel hopeful and encouraged. It makes me want to run. And the word that kept coming to me was freedom! I want to be free of this burden, free of this weight, free of the shame and agony of failing again and again at trying to overcome it.

This episode also shows the contestants at the beginning of their journey sending a message to their thin selves. And that was breaking my heart because I remember how when I had gotten down to 200 lbs, I just kept vowing that I would not go back. And here I sit. I know I am working at it but it feels soooo far.

Anyhow at the final weigh-in I had to laugh at Patrick who said that he wanted to be a role model to his sons but "its hard to be a role model at 400 lbs." And I remembered how many people that I knew and some I didn't that came up to me when I was losing the weight saying I was inspiring and a motivation. I spoke to the Fit Group and shared my story, I was so into it and felt I had a found the answer. And then I got right on top of 200 and turned around and ran way from it. It took 4 years and a lot went down in that time but I managed to put back 90 of 140+ lbs lost. I never managed to find out how to maintain the loss. That is a skill I need to master.

In the meantime, I will remember that I want to be a "role model to the youts" (I think Fitty-cent or Kanye West said that once - lol!). At the very least, I would like to be a role model to my own children. I do not want to lead them down this road.

I am just going to keep on keeping on. I am grateful that at the very least I keep trying. I guess it is really over only when you stop trying. So onwards and onwards I go! I will focus on getting into the next "decade" and I know that each 10 lbs that I lose will make a significant difference in the way I feel about myself, in my body and in my health. And that will make it worthwhile. :)