Yesterday, I bumped into someone I hadn't seen for a while but had heard she had a gastric bypass. She looks fantastic and just so happy about her weight loss. I remember that feeling and envied her the joy that comes from losing the weight.
Its been a long time since I considered gastric bypass but I couldn't help thinking about it again. I know there are lots of reasons to not do it. But knowing how hard it is to lose the weight is not the scariest part for me. What scares me is the risk that I could gain it back. And its actually a real fear as I have gained back 50 pounds of the 140 lbs I had lost as of last February. (That 140 includes all the weight I've lost since February 2006 not just the WW weight.)
I know we talk about a lifestyle change but I am apparently really sucking at making and maintaining those changes.
I had a huge cry when I got home and talked to DH about it all. Poor DH was trying so hard but he doesn't understand what it is like to deal with weight-issues for most of your life. I have been dealing with my weight since I was 10 years old. That is going on 35 years and I am tired of the battle.
Since starting this journey, the only way I can lose weight is if I feel hungry. And I know that people say they don't feel hungry and they still lose but I don't. I eat tonnes of fibre, healthy fats and protein to help curb it but if I don't feel hungry, I just don't lose. So I had 2 years of feeling hungry almost all the time to lose those 140 lbs. And I know to get to my goal which is about 175 (still overweight but no longer obese) I will need to be hungry for at least another year. I hate that feeling. I have to leave the table wanting more and that is such a terrible feeling for me.
I cried so hard yesterday and I know I was just feeling sorry for myself and maybe mourning that gain but I'm tired of the battle. I know that I will not give up and today is another day and I'm starting fresh making good healthy choices and moving forward.
I'm not giving up but I stopped briefly for a big pity party. Now I need to move on. I still have not discounted the idea of gastric bypass and I am seeing my doctor on Thursday already and will discuss this and other options with him. I am pretty sure he will dissuade me but its worth a discussion. It may help me put it behind me and suck it up and embrace that feeling of hunger.
I know that most of you will fully understand these feelings. There is not much advice necessary but I just needed to put it out there.
I guess if there is an NSV in all of this, I didn't binge last night. I had my planned snack and a hot drink and then went to bed with my big swollen eyes. Like I said, not pretty!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
HUGE Pity Party! Not Pretty!
I just posted this on the WW 200+ board but it bears repeating:
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1 comment:
Can I make a suggestion? And this is something you'd have to do if you got gastric bypass/lap banding anywho...
Have you thought about seeing someone? I don't know if you are or anything, but...
I was 451 lbs... I couldn't lose the weight... Oh sure, I could lose SOME of the weight, but then I put it back on because I couldn't stick to it. I binged. I ate to feel better.
When I first put in my referral for bariatric surgery, I knew that they'd want me to get healthier emotionally before they would let me get the surgery... Can you IMAGINE the horrible damage you could do to yourself, binging after getting a band or having a roux-en-y bypass?! They can't let that happen, so you have to learn to not eat to stuff your emotions, or to cope... So I talked to my doctor, who recommended a therapist, and also put through a referral to mental health, so I could see a therapist who specialized in eating disorders.
As you might have seen, on Friday, my referral finally went through. I was sent a letter with my next steps, and you know what? (And you're the second person to know, other than my husband...)
I don't need it anymore.
I don't binge.
I VERY rarely use food to feel better, and when I do, I know it's in a normal way, and not in a "this is my only way of getting through" way.
And so I called them, and told them such.
It took me a year of therapy before I was able to go back on weight watchers, although my weight gain slowed (and, I think, turned around a bit, though I wasn't weighing myself) during that time. 3 months later, I graduated from both of my therapists.
But it only works if, firstly, you're willing to put in an awful lot of hard, hard work, and secondly, if you're ready for it.
Until then, honestly, I think you're best to not even diet. I think it's best to take care of yourself emotionally first. Learn to like yourself, learn to love yourself...
Learn to love yourself at the weight you're at NOW.
I HUGELY believe that Mental Health needs to be a bigger part of dieting and weight loss. I wouldn't suggest it if I hadn't been there.
I know I'm young, but by the time I stopped binging, I'd been at it for at least 16 years... And now, I'm not struggling. I'm hungry sometimes, sure, but it's not an emergency. I've gotten my insulin resistance under control.
But I hurt when I see other people struggling... I wish I could reach out across cyber space and hug you SO tight... And this all comes from a place of caring, from wanting YOU to succeed!!!
Remember, though... This advice is free, and may be worth what you paid, but I think it's not too bad :)
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